JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

Some are old, some are new, some really suck and others, well they are funny. OK, so it didn't rhyme. Orange


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan









What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.




Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.



What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts




Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.



What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.





What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs



What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes





What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.




What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.



Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.



What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.



Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA.



Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different pub.



Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"





What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment





What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".



How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?









A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..."

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...."

Alien Meets Gas Pump - Take me to your Leader

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near agas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."




The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'







The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never fuck with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'