I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce.
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship, it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.
On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's (Governor of New York ) call girl Ashley Dupre Aka Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right?
But...
Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million).
Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.
Is it just me, or is it better to rent?
Tuesday
Wednesday
Annoying people with useless Indiana Jones Quotes
Among fans of the '80s, there's nothing more celebrated than the ability to quote our favorite movies in any social setting without hesitation.
But nothing brings as much personal satisfaction as badgering co-workers and bosses with these same trivial nuggets. So it gives me great glee to introduce today's guide to better office politics...
HOW TO ANNOY YOUR COWORKERS WITH INDIANA JONES QUOTES:
WHEN YOU STEAL THE LAST DONUT: "Again we see there is nothing you can possess which I cannot take away."
WHEN ANSWERING A CELL PHONE DURING A MEETING: "It's a transmitter, a radio for speaking to God."
TO CAP OFF THAT THREE-BEER LUNCH: "Ah, dessert! Chilled monkey brains."
WHEN THE INTERN BUNGLES AN ASSIGNMENT: "You lost today, kid. But that doesn't mean you have to like it."
WHEN ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLING INTO A MANAGERS-ONLY MEETING: "Nazis. I hate these guys."
TACO-DAY AT THE COMPANY CAFETERIA: "My son, we're pilgrims in an unholy land."
A CO-WORKER RATS YOU OUT TO THE HR DEPARTMENT: "I knew you would sell your mother for an Etruscan vase. But I didn't know you would sell out your country and your soul... to the slime of humanity."
WHEN HANDED THAT PINK SLIP: "And this is how we say goodbye in Germany .... (slap!)"
But nothing brings as much personal satisfaction as badgering co-workers and bosses with these same trivial nuggets. So it gives me great glee to introduce today's guide to better office politics...
HOW TO ANNOY YOUR COWORKERS WITH INDIANA JONES QUOTES:
WHEN YOU STEAL THE LAST DONUT: "Again we see there is nothing you can possess which I cannot take away."
WHEN ANSWERING A CELL PHONE DURING A MEETING: "It's a transmitter, a radio for speaking to God."
TO CAP OFF THAT THREE-BEER LUNCH: "Ah, dessert! Chilled monkey brains."
WHEN THE INTERN BUNGLES AN ASSIGNMENT: "You lost today, kid. But that doesn't mean you have to like it."
WHEN ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLING INTO A MANAGERS-ONLY MEETING: "Nazis. I hate these guys."
TACO-DAY AT THE COMPANY CAFETERIA: "My son, we're pilgrims in an unholy land."
A CO-WORKER RATS YOU OUT TO THE HR DEPARTMENT: "I knew you would sell your mother for an Etruscan vase. But I didn't know you would sell out your country and your soul... to the slime of humanity."
WHEN HANDED THAT PINK SLIP: "And this is how we say goodbye in Germany .... (slap!)"
Thursday
Nun at Hooters
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would suddenly turn off. Each time the lights went out, the place would erupt into a loud cheer. However, when the patrons saw the nun walk in, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender and asked, "Can you point me to the nearest the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "Okay, but I should warn you, there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
She walked up to the bartender and asked, "Can you point me to the nearest the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "Okay, but I should warn you, there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
Two Bible Thumpers
Two bible thumpers were going door to door.
They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.
Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her.
She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close.
Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.
Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her.
She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.
But the door still didn't close.
Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.
Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
Eggs
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Lottery
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
My Friend is Dead
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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