Have you ever read a joke which made you roll around on the floor laughing so much you almost puked? Of course, like any good friend you instantly want to share the joke with your friends... But wait, you lost it. No need to worry, this blog is dedicated to Email humour. I have several twisted friends who send me jokes daily. The good ones will be posted here. Feel free to add your own in the comments section

Wednesday

TIGER WOODS JOKES

As far as Tiger Woods jokes go, there are quite a few stinkers... in fact most of the Tiger Woods jokes are stinkers. Oh we, it's hard to get a hole in one.

Here ya go a butt load of Tiger Woods jokes gathered from the internet, let's just call it a Best of The worst in Tiger Woods Jokes.







Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant. She’s teaching Phil Mickelson how to beat Tiger.

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Elin found out he’s not a Tiger, he’s a Cheetah.



Tiger’s confused. Every other time he made a hole-in-one, everyone was all happy about it.

Tiger just hates it when he drives, and then his balls hit a tree.

What do baby seals and Tiger Woods have in common? Both were clubbed by a Swede.


Tiger said the fault of the accident was his Escalade. It’s typical of a golfer—always blame the caddy.

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one

Tiger’s car still runs, but it goes “putt, putt, putt…”

What was Elin Nordegren doing at 2:30 in the morning? She was clubbing.


Tiger Woods is tree under.


Tiger Woods has been dropped by Gilette after admitting this incident was his closest shave ever.


Tiger woods has a lot of cars, now he has a “hole in one”.





On the topic of infidelity and humour, remember the whole whatherface Bobbit story from a number of years ago... Tiger should consider himself lucky Elin only took a club to the car

Tiger Woods and his wife were driving down the road arguing about his cheating.

Suddenly, Elin reaches over, slices off Tiger's penis and angrily she tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him.

All of a sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Suprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey"

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says "Sure had a big dick !

Saturday

Hans Olaffsen's Chinese Laundry

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."




"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me... is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

Now wait for it




.
.
.
.
.


"I say Sem Ting."

Friday

PIRATE JOKES for Talk Like a Pirate Day


Argh Matey, be forwarded that ye be entering thee territory of bad jokes and cheesy puns.

Here ya Go, a bounty load of PIRATE JOKES

--------------------------

Who was the pirate's favorite basketball player?

Kareem Abdul JabAARRRGGGHHH!!!

--------------------------




and we continue with MORE PIRATE JOKES for International Talk Like A Pirate Day


What does a surfer pirate say?

GnARRRRRRRRly dude!

--------------------------

What is a pirate's favorite way to fly?

A helicoptAAARRR!!

--------------------------

What takes a pirate 30 minutes but only lasts for 2?

An ARRRRgasm!

--------------------------

Where do pirates go to have fun?

To the CARRRRRRRNIVAL!!!

--------------------------



Why did the pirate break his teeth?

His food was too hAAAAARRRD!

--------------------------
OK, enough ARRG related Pirate jokes already!!!!!--------------------------

What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

--------------------------

Why did the pirate make everyone stand at the back of the ship?

Because he was being very stern!

--------------------------

3.14159265 % of Sailors are Pi Rates.

--------------------------

Why do young pirates always fail when saying the alphabet in kindergarten?

Because their fathers insist that there are seven Cs!!!!

--------------------------





Why did the pirate cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop!!!!!!!

--------------------------

What do pirates and pimps have in common?

They both say "YO HO!" and walk with a limp!

--------------------------

What happened when Redbeard the Pirate fell into the Blue Sea?

He got Marooned!

--------------------------

How to Pirates pick up women?

They put on some anti-pers-pirate!!!

--------------------------
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

--------------------------

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

-----------------------------

Sorry, one last Arrggh Pirate joke

What did the 86 year old Pirate get for his birthday?

Arrrrrthitis!


Like a true pirate, I pillaged these jokes from dem dar Internet

Rabbits

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: Where the fuck do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I've fuckin already got one at home.

Wednesday

Detroit School Lesson

A first grade teacher in Detroit asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.










Little Tyrone stood up and said:
"Up against the wall mother fucker!"

Monday

How to get out of shopping with your wife

My wife was always after me to go shopping with her.

Then I began wearing my favorite shirt.


Now she doesn't want me to go shopping with her anymore.




Scroll Down














Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa






A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried..
Love,
Vinnie

Thursday

Various politically incorrect jokes

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!"

She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"

He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"




I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.

Isn't it just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, an Englishman a Limey or a Frenchman a Cvnt?











I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."





Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.

The "musical chairs" was a bit slow but, fuck me, the "pass the parcel" was quick!!!





When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.





I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.










I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up, Abdul? Won't it fuckin' start?"





My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, flipped her over, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.










A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

Wednesday

Why I fired my Secretary

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.






She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Naked.

Tuesday

Weight Loss Program....very effective!

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.







The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he
has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
'If you catch me you can have me'.






Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
shape..

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go
for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.'








'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine'

He lost 63 pounds that week

IRISH JOKES - May the luck of de Irish be with ye this St Patty's Day

IRISH JOKES




The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.


DIRTY IRISH JOKES



Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

----------------------------------------


An Irish man is sitting a a bar drinking
A flamboyantly gay man comes up to him and asks, "can i give you a blow job?"
The Irishman stands up and punches the gay man.
The bar tender comes over and asks, "Why did you hit that guy?"
The Irish man replied, "He said somethin about me gettin a job"









IRISH JOKES - THE IRISH VS THE BRITISH



An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'

-----------------------------------------

MORE IRISH JOKES



An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'

'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'

'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'

-----------------------------------------

IRISH JOKES - IRISH Foreign affairs



An Irishman arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.

'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'

'That's terrible, how did that happen?'

'The cork fell out of me bottle.'

--------------------------------------------

A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.

'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fran├žais ?' he tries.

The two continue to stare.

'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'

'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!'








A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, 'Yes, 'and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'

Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'

--------------------------------------------

An Brian O'Malley, a sweet Irish man and his family move to Toronto Canada, and he is job seeking. He decides he wants to join the RCMP, he's always liked the bright furry red hats, and loves horses. Anyway, he goes down town the headquarters and asks them for an application.

They greet him with enthusiasm, and give Brian the standard testing application, thinking they could find a spot for him somewhere on the team. Brian does a quick once over to the questionnaire, and snaps his fingers. On his way out, he told the RC's, that he best finish this at home, leaving them confused, he hops happily away.

When he got home he went straight to work filling out the questions which read.

Ques: Have you ever been arrested?

Ans: No.

Ques: Have you committed any crimes?

Ans: No.

Ques: Check off Religion.

Ans: Proud Strong Catholic.

Ques: Are you sure?

Ans: As sure as me mudders name is Mary.

Ques: Ok then, who killed Jesus?

His wife interrupts him, and asked him how his first job hunting went with the RCMP, to which Brian whispers, lowering his head. "Shh, I can't discuss it. It's top secret you know, I'm on a murder case."



---------------------------------------
'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'

Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
To keep from falling in the stew!

Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
Sure, they're great at shorthand!

How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
He took a shortcut!

What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
Short ribs!

Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
Because they're very short-tempered!

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"

How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A bachelor.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Don.
Don who?
Don be puffin' down the Irish now!
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of the ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.

'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'

'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'

'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'

---------------------------------------------------


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MORE IRISH JOKES




An American tourist travelling in County Clare, Ireland came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Irish punts ($350), the skull of Brian Boru*.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself.

Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.

'I've got the very thing for you, 'said the shopkeeper, 'It's the genuine skull of Brian Boru.'

'You cheat, 'exploded the American, 'You sold me that fifteen years ago, 'and producing the skull added loudly, 'Look, they're not even the same size.'

'You have got it wrong, 'opined the seller, '' This is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad.'

* Brian Boru (940 to 1014) managed the rare feat of uniting Ireland. In a turning point in the war with the Vikings, Brian Boru defeated the Viking leader Ivar in single combat. Not only was Brian successful in battle, but he also had at least 4 wives and founded the O' Brien clan.

--------------------------------------------

IRISH JOKES - MISC IRISH JOKES





Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.'

'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'







MORE IRISH JOKES



An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?'

Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!'
The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma'am?'

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?'

Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!'

Irene gives the policeman her driving license.

The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.'

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?'

Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'

-------------------------------------------

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think €*5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'







MORE IRISH JOKES




Father O' Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is'

'This is the Inland Revenue Service, income tax department. Can you help us?'
'I can.'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do'

'Is he a member of your congregation?' He is'

'Did he donate €*10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

---------------------------------------

While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:

'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'

Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.

'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had

'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

---------------------------------------------

There now follows a list of inventions. They were the brainchildren of the Kerry man who was history's unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn't bad enough, look at other things he produced:

An inflatable dartboard

A chocolate kettle

A soluble life-raft

A self-righting aspirin

A solar-powered torch

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MORE IRISH JOKES




I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.

I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.

However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:

'What happened to you?' asked Callaghan.

'I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window,' mumbled O'Reilly.'

'Begorrah,' exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, 'It's a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'

------------------------------------------------

There was an Irish man standing on the dock, with the others waiting for the boat to come. A sweet Irish Lassie came and stood beside him and asked.

"What brings you to the port today?'

To which the man replied. "Oh, I'm waiting for me brudder. Me brudder is coming in today."

"How lovely." She replied.
"Yep," he continued. "I will not know me brudder." He continued sadly.

"And why not?" The lassie asked curiously. "Why would you not know yer own brudder?"

"Aye, me brudder left 20 year ago, and I will not know me brudder." He answered.

"Oh my, how will you know when yer brudder gets off the ship?"

"Ohh, I'll not be worrying about that dear Lassie, me brudder will know me."

"How can you be so sure yer brudder will know you, if you won't know yer brudder?" She asked confused.
"Because I never left." He said with a grin.

--------------------------------------------------

An Irish man is sitting in a boat, and it's a small boat that sprung a leak, and it's sinking fast.
A boat of a little larger size comes along, and the captain shouts out. "Come on, hop over, yer boat's sinking."

The Irish man sat quietly, contemplating the matter. After a moment he looks over at the Captain and shakes his head. "No tanks, the Lord's gonna save me."

After trying his best the Captain gave up, and sadly left the poor Irish man to sit in his sinking boat.

After a while, another more larger boat than the last came along and the Captain shouted out. "Yer boats sinking, hurry up and climb aboard."

The Irish man folded his arms firmly. "No tanks, I'm waiting for the Lord, he's gonna save me."

"It'll be your funeral lass if you don't hop in my boat."

"So much yew know, I believe in the Lord, and I'm staying right here until the Lord himself saves me."

The stubborn Irish man turned down a steam liner, with sailors trying to thrown him a line, and eventually his boat sank and he drowned.

Now at the pearly white gates stood a hopping angry Irish man, and he looked the Lord straight in the eye and said.

"Lord, what did I ever do all me forsaken life, to deserve such a wreched death? I believed in ya, I waited for ye to save me.. but ya didn't?"

The Lord looked down at his loyal Irish man and frowned. "I sent you two boats, and an ocean steamer, what more did yew want?"

---------------------------------------------



At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig fires.

On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. 'Isn't that Red Adair'? The other replied, 'No'.

The old boy then said, 'I'm sure it is and I'm so sure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong'. The doubting one said, 'Ok' and they both went over to Red and the one said, 'Are you Red Adair'? to which Red said he was.

The doubting Irishman said, 'Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers'?

------------------------------------------------

MORE IRISH JOKES



Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!

IRISH JOKES - SHORT ONE LINER IRISH JOKES



An American lawyer inquired, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'
'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.

-----------------------------------------

An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'

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MORE IRISH JOKES




Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'

-----------------------------------------

'O'Halloran,' asked the pharmacist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran, 'but it keeps fallin' off.'

-----------------------------------------

Friday

NO EASTER EGG HUNT THIS YEAR

NO EASTER EGG HUNT THIS YEAR


This OBAMA EMAIL JOKE, became popular since Dean Grouse, Mayor of Los Alamitos California sent it to all his friends, including.... now get this, a Back Rights Activist.

Tuesday

NAPSTER BAD

This is a little dated but is just as new today as it was back in the day when METALLICA SUED NAPSTER. Today, Napster is pretty much history as it was known and Metallica and RRIA are still on the witch hunt... latest target... The PIRATE BAY.

A few words of wisdom from James Hetfield
Money Good Napster Bad
Beer Good
T-shirts Good
Fire bad Fire Bad

And Finally...

Grab-asses bad







SONY RELEASES NEW STUPID PIECE OF SHIT THAT DOESNT FUCKING WORK

SONY RELEASES NEW STUPID PIECE OF SHIT THAT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK


Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work





Saturday

Vacuum Cleaner Sales Person

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.’ 'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.' I stepped back and said,








'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'

Wednesday

GEORGE CARLIN 7 WORDS YOU CAN'T SAY ON TV

Not exactly an Email joke, but GEORGE CARLIN'S SEVEN WORDS YOU CAN'T SAY ON TELEVISION has become a classic. Enjoy

"I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I uh, I think is important. I love..as I say, they're my work, they're my play, they're my passion. Words are all we have really.

We have thoughts, but thoughts are fluid. You know, [humming]. And, then we assign a word to a thought, [clicks tongue]. And we're stuck with that word for that thought. So be careful with words. I like to think, yeah, the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them.

There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' 'Awwww.' There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad Intentions.





And words, you know the seven don't you? Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine and keep the country from winning the war.

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits, wow. Tits doesn't even belong on the list, you know. It's such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname. 'Hey, Tits, come here. Tits, meet Toots, Toots, Tits, Tits, Toots.' It sounds like a snack doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is, right. But I don't mean the sexist snack, I mean, New Nabisco Tits. The new Cheese Tits, and Corn Tits and Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits Onion Tits, Tater Tits, Yeah. Betcha can't eat just one. That's true I usually switch off . But I mean that word does not belong on the list.

Actually, none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there. I am not completely insensitive to people's feelings. You know, I can dig why some of those words got on the list...like cocksucker and motherfucker. Those are...those are heavy-weight words. There's a lot going on there, man. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling. They're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend with. And those K's. Those are aggressive sounds, they jump out at you. CocksuckerMotherfuckerCocksucker. It's like an assault, on you. So I can dig that.

And we mentioned shit earlier, of course. Two of the other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt, which go together of course. But forget about that. A little accidental humor there. Piss and Cunt. The reason Piss and Cunt are on the list is that a long time ago certain ladies said 'Those are the two I am not going to say. I don't mind Fuck and Shit, but P and C are out. P and C are out.' Which led to such stupid sentences as 'OK, you fuckers, I am going to tinkle now.'





And of course the word Fuck. The word Fuck, I don't really...well, this is some more accidental humor, but I don't really want to get into that now. Because I think it takes too long. But I do mean that. I mean, I think the word fuck is an important word. It's the beginning of life, and, yet it's a word we use to hurt one other, quite often. And uh, people much wiser than I have said, I'd rather have my son watch a film with two people making love than two people trying to kill one other. And I of course agree. I wish I know who said it first, and I agree with that. But I would like to take it a step further. I would like to substitute the word fuck, for the word kill in all those movie cliches we grew up with. 'Okay Sheriff, we're gonna fuck ya now. But we're gonna fuck ya slow.' So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' rap on that word. I hope so.

Uh, there are two-way words, but those are the seven you can never say on television. Under any circumstances you just can not say them ever, ever ever, not even clinically. You can not weave them in the panel with Doc and Ed and Johnny, I mean it's just impossible, forget those seven, they're out.

But, there are some two-way words. There are double-meaning words. Remember the ones your giggled at in sixth grade? 'And the cock crowed three times.''Hey, the cock the cock crowed three times. It's in the bible.' There are some Two-way words, like it's okay for Curt Gowdy [mis-spelled in original transcription. -ed.] to say 'Roberto Clemente has two balls on him.' But he can't say, 'I think he hurt his balls on that play Tony, don't you? He's holding them. He must have hurt them by God.' And the other two-way word that goes with that one is prick. It's okay if it happens to your finger. Yes, you can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick. No, no."

Friday

Why am I black Mommy?

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and
you're white?"



His mother replies, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that fucking party, you're lucky that you don't bark!"

Saturday

Snow in Vancouver

Day 2 - Vancouver Blizzard 2008 - Revenge of the Commuters

Chilled Vancouver commuters faced their second day of winter hell today, as an additional ¼ centimeter of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the Lower Mainland to its knees and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops. Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particles and experts from Saskatchewan are being flown in.
With temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite near zero mark, Vancouverites were warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out.

Vancouver police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such as running out of espresso or biscotti to see them through Vancouver's most terrible storm to date. The local Canadian Tire reported that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.

Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUV's actually have four wheel drive, although most have no idea how to use it.

Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants.
Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25 below, down-filled bras are flying off the shelves at Mountain Equipment Co-op.

"The government has to do something," snarled an angry Trevor Warburton. "I didn't pay $540,000 for my one bedroom condo so I could sit around and be treated like someone from Toronto.

Thursday

BUSHISM's A History of Stupidity in the Whitehouse

Nothing is funnier than a stupid President... well except maybe those Rubber Chickens.
Anyways, the time of George W Bush is at an end and there have been several really stupid things the Texas Puppet has said over the years and those will forever hold a place in History as BUSHISMS

Here are several of the top BUSHISMS from the BUSHISM Years.

- "Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." — Sept. 6, 2004, at a rally in Poplar Bluff, Mo.

- "The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." — May 27, 2008, in Mesa, Ariz.


- "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." — Aug. 5, 2004, at the signing ceremony for a defense spending bill.

- "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" — January 2000, during a campaign event in South Carolina.

- "They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the commander in chief, too." — Sept. 26, 2001, in Langley, Va. Bush was referring to the terrorists who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks.






- "There's no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail." — Oct. 4, 2001, in Washington. Bush was remarking on a back-to-work plan after the terrorist attacks.

- "It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber." — April 10, 2002, at the White House, as Bush urged Senate passage of a broad ban on cloning.

- "I want to thank the dozens of welfare-to-work stories, the actual examples of people who made the firm and solemn commitment to work hard to embetter themselves." — April 18, 2002, at the White House.

- "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." — Sept. 17, 2002, in Nashville, Tenn.

- "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." — September 2000, explaining his energy policies at an event in Michigan.

- "Our most abundant energy source is coal. We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents an environmental challenge." — April 20, 2005, in Washington.

- "We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job." — Sept. 20, 2005, in Gulfport, Miss.

- "I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbors back into neighborhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs." — Sept. 5, 2005, when Bush met with residents of Poplarville, Miss., in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.

- "It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship. After all, 60 years we were at war 60 years ago we were at war." — June 29, 2006, at the White House, where Bush met with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi.

- "Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." — Dec. 7, 2006, in a joint appearance with British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

- "These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved." — June 11, 2007, in Sofia, Bulgaria.

- "Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for your introduction. Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit." — September 2007, in Sydney, Australia, where Bush was attending an APEC summit.

- "Thank you, Your Holiness. Awesome speech." April 16, 2008, at a ceremony welcoming Pope Benedict XVI to the White House.

- "And they have no disregard for human life." — July 15, 2008, at the White House. Bush was referring to enemy fighters in Afghanistan.

- "I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office." — June 26, 2008, during a Rose Garden news briefing.

- "Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people." — July 4, 2008 in Virginia.

- "The people in Louisiana must know that all across our country there's a lot of prayer — prayer for those whose lives have been turned upside down. And I'm one of them. It's good to come down here." — Sept. 3, 2008, at an emergency operations center in Baton Rouge, La., after Hurricane Gustav hit the Gulf Coast.

- "This thaw — took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw." Oct. 20, 2008, in Alexandria, La., as he discussed the economy and frozen credit markets.
HTBW-2008