Have you ever read a joke which made you roll around on the floor laughing so much you almost puked? Of course, like any good friend you instantly want to share the joke with your friends... But wait, you lost it. No need to worry, this blog is dedicated to Email humour. I have several twisted friends who send me jokes daily. The good ones will be posted here. Feel free to add your own in the comments section


Cold Day in Hell - The Temperature of Hell


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'



You Know you are a redneck when

You're an EXTREME Redneck when....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


DUSTIN HOFFMAN Tells a Joke - The Singing Vagina

'My wife says the one thing that differentiates me from a lot of other people, or at least is an essential part of my character, is that I don’t have a censoring gene,” DUSTIN HOFFMAN says with an impish grin. “My friends just wait for me to reveal what’s on my mind. They know for sure that I’m going to say something inappropriate.”





A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an asshole..

Christmas Lights and Wife

The wife has been on my case the past couple of weeks to get the Christmas lights up.

They are up now and for some reason she will not talk to me.

The Duck Hunter

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak....

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor. 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.' ''What's the bad news?' asked the hunter. 'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother.' 'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your brother a plastic surgeon?' 'Not exactly.' answered the doctor...He's a flute player in the local symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'


Ford Vs Toyota Canoe Race

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India .


Arthur Davidson meets God

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.


Woman's Poem and Man's Poem


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end ,
And always be my very best friend.


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.


The Origin of the Male Earring

At work one day a man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
He knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

He walks up to his friend and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks his friend, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?';

'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'

(I always wondered how this trend got started)


Barack Obama Jokes

The world is searching for them, beware some are fairly rude.

Late Night TV Obama Jokes

“I don’t know if you have seen this. It’s everywhere. They have a controversial photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban. It’s been circulating on the Internet. Yeah, the turban photo should help Obama with a key group of voters, the New York taxi drivers.” –Conan O’Brien

“According to a new report by a genealogy company, Barack Obama’s great-great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Yeah, that should really solidify Obama’s support among Irish African-Americans raised in Hawaii.” –Conan O’Brien

“Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife, Lynne Cheney, said that Barack Obama and Dick Cheney are related. She said they are actually eighth cousins. … Lynne Cheney says that Obama and Dick Cheney’s connection was the result of one of Obama’s ancestors marrying one of Cheney’s ancestors in 1650. Even more interesting, you know who introduced them
in 1650? Bob Dole.” –Jay Leno

“Did you all see Barack Obama and Hillary last night at that debate? Did you see them sitting side by side, staring at the camera? They looked like one of those bad local eyewitness news teams. ‘Let’s go to Barack for the weather. Thank you, Hillary.’” –Jay Leno

A few Racist Obama Jokes

Did you all hear that the statue of liberty is coming down! Aunt Jemima? Is going up and she’ll be holding a fried chicken leg in her hand.


Q. Why did it take so long for a Black person to Run for the US Presidency?

A. Because they couldn't find their way out of the rain forest until it was Chopped down.


Q. Why was Obama so pissed about the camera's following him and his daughter on Halloween??

A. Because he was trying to teach his daughter the family business of stealing bikes from the Whiteys.


Q. Why did it take so long for Obama to run for the US Presidency?

A. Because he kept tripping over his ears while trying to run through the cotton field.


Q. Why did it take so long for Obama to run for the US Presidency?

A. Because the US War on drugs cut down his ability to earn enough money to buy votes.


Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?

A. The ink isn't dry yet.


Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate?

A. He accidently smoked it.

More racist Obama Jokes

Like any experienced Chicago politician, Obama would go the cemetary to register voters. One night he came across a grave so old and worn that he couldn't make out the name on the tombstone. The staffer holding the flashlight got impatient and suggested they just move on to the next plot. Obama angrily exclaimed, "This person has a much right to vote as anyone else here!"


Bill Clinton said, “I didn’t inhale.”
Barack Obama says, “I didn’t inject.”


Richard Nixon said “I am not a crook!”
Barack Obama says “I am not on crack!”


Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common?
A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.

President Barack Obama = Arab base, pink Democrat
President Barack Hussein Obama = A Democrat speaks inane rubbish


Q. Why doesn’t Barack drink Pepsi?
A. He thinks that things go better with coke.


The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota . There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.

At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish. Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another ‘bad hair’ day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, ‘Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin’ son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don’t even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.’ The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry Reid said to Obama, ‘Well, tell me, how is he cheating?’

Obama replied, ‘Harry, you’re not going to believe this, but he’s cutting holes in the ice!’

Yet another drug related Obama Joke

Washington is on the 1 dollar bill
Franklin is on the 100 dollar bill
If Obama wins, what will he be on?



Q. Why was Obama so pissed about the camera's following him and his daughter on Halloween??

A. Because all the camera's were scaring away his customers

Q. Why did Obama finally decide to run for Presidency?

A. Because he wasn't making enough money to support his crack habit by mugging people in back alley's.



A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the Trans-Canada Highway near Gander.
Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'
'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Stephen Harper, Stephane Dion & Jack Layton

They're asking for a $10 million ransom.

Otherwise they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about 4 liters'



A woman was in a coma & she had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and

noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched

her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy

as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor

flat lined- no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened ?' they cried.

husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

Old Flames

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this
morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we
used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested
in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I
said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me.

Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a
waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
and developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute,
and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds

So I told her to fuck off.


John McCain Spoof Interview

A Spoof on the John McCain Campagn where he talks about war spanking the monkey and pansy's in politics


Slam the Spammer

I just want to thank all of you for your
> >> educational emails over the past year.
> >>
> >>
> >> Thanks to you, I no longer open a public
> >> bathroom door without using a paper towel.
> >>
> >>
> >> I can't use the remote in a hotel room
> >> because I don't know what the last person was doing
> >> while flipping through the channels.
> >>
> >>
> >> I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread
> >> because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it
> >> was last washed.
> >>
> >>
> >> I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or
> >> on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found
> >> to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
> >>
> >>
> >> I have trouble shaking hands with someone who
> >> has been driving because the number one pass-time while
> >> driving alone is picking your nose.
> >>
> >>
> >> Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt
> >> trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans
> >> fats I have consumed over the years.
> >>
> >>
> >> I can't touch any woman's purse for
> >> fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
> >>
> >>
> >> I must send my special thanks to whoever sent
> >> me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now
> >> have to use a wet sponge with every envelope! That needs
> >> sealing.
> >>
> >>
> >> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every
> >> can I open for the same reason.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer have any savings because I gave
> >> it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
> >> hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer have any money at all, but that
> >> will change once I receive the $15,000. that Bill
> >> Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
> >> their special e-mail program.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer worry about my soul because I
> >> have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and
> >> St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens
> >> are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
> >> feathers.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants
> >> even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
> >>
> >>
> >> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers
> >> only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my
> >> friends and make a wish within five minutes.
> >>
> >>
> >> Because of your concern I no longer drink
> >> Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
> >> someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't
> >> crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since
> >> the people who make these products are atheists who refuse
> >> to put 'Under God' on their cans.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
> >> because it causes cancer.
> >>
> >>
> >> And thanks for letting me know I can't
> >> boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it
> >> will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer check the coin return on pay
> >> phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected
> >> with AIDS.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer go to shopping malls because
> >> someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer receive packages from UPS or
> >> FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer shop at Target since they are
> >> French and don't support our American troops or the
> >> Salvation Army.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer answer the phone because someone
> >> will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a
> >> phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and
> >> Uzbekistan .
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
> >> Marcus since I now have their recipe.
> >>
> >> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's
> >> toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is
> >> lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
> >> bites my butt.
> >>
> >>
> >> And thanks to your great advice, I can't
> >> ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it
> >> probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my
> >> car to grab my leg.
> >>
> >>
> >> If you don't send this e-mail to at least
> >> 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
> >> diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon
> >> and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
> >> you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
> >> actually happened to a friend of my next door
> >> neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
> >> cousin's beautician...
> >>
> >>
> >> Have a wonderful day...
> >>
> >>
> >> Oh, by the way...
> >>
> >>
> >> A German scientist from Argentina , after a
> >> lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient
> >> brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the
> >> mouse.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Sorry...I just had to send you this one it is
> >> too good to miss!!

The centipede

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which
came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and

decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?

But there was no answer from his new Pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his
face up against the centipede's house and shouting,

'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?


A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!

The Pope and the Rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews in Italy had to convert to Catholicism or leave. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a debate with a religious leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

'Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'


A tribute to George Carlin

Since his passing, internet stats on GEORGE CARLIN and his 7 WORDS YOU CAN'T SAY ON TV. Here are a few VIDEO CLIPS of GEORGE CARLIN

Rest in Peace George, and thank you for all the laughs



OK, so maybe this is just wishful thinking on the part of someone with far too much time on his hands. So, if you are in a similar situation and don't mind loosing 32 seconds of your life over a little drivel.... Here it is, the video of TOM CRUISE KILLING OPRAH WINFREY.
Just for those slightly slow people out there.... this is not real


Buying vs Renting

I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce.
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship, it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's (Governor of New York ) call girl Ashley Dupre Aka Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right?


Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Is it just me, or is it better to rent?


Annoying people with useless Indiana Jones Quotes

Among fans of the '80s, there's nothing more celebrated than the ability to quote our favorite movies in any social setting without hesitation.

But nothing brings as much personal satisfaction as badgering co-workers and bosses with these same trivial nuggets. So it gives me great glee to introduce today's guide to better office politics...


WHEN YOU STEAL THE LAST DONUT: "Again we see there is nothing you can possess which I cannot take away."

WHEN ANSWERING A CELL PHONE DURING A MEETING: "It's a transmitter, a radio for speaking to God."

TO CAP OFF THAT THREE-BEER LUNCH: "Ah, dessert! Chilled monkey brains."

WHEN THE INTERN BUNGLES AN ASSIGNMENT: "You lost today, kid. But that doesn't mean you have to like it."


TACO-DAY AT THE COMPANY CAFETERIA: "My son, we're pilgrims in an unholy land."

A CO-WORKER RATS YOU OUT TO THE HR DEPARTMENT: "I knew you would sell your mother for an Etruscan vase. But I didn't know you would sell out your country and your soul... to the slime of humanity."

WHEN HANDED THAT PINK SLIP: "And this is how we say goodbye in Germany .... (slap!)"


Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would suddenly turn off. Each time the lights went out, the place would erupt into a loud cheer. However, when the patrons saw the nun walk in, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "Can you point me to the nearest the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "Okay, but I should warn you, there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

Two Bible Thumpers

Two bible thumpers were going door to door.

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.

Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her.

She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

But the door still didn't close.

Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

My Friend is Dead

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"