IRISH JOKES
The Irish attempt at scaling Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.
DIRTY IRISH JOKES
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
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An Irish man is sitting a a bar drinking
A flamboyantly gay man comes up to him and asks, "can i give you a blow job?"
The Irishman stands up and punches the gay man.
The bar tender comes over and asks, "Why did you hit that guy?"
The Irish man replied, "He said somethin about me gettin a job"
IRISH JOKES - THE IRISH VS THE BRITISH
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'
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MORE IRISH JOKES
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.
'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'
'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'
'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'
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IRISH JOKES - IRISH Foreign affairs
An Irishman arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.
'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'
'That's terrible, how did that happen?'
'The cork fell out of me bottle.'
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A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'
The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.
'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français ?' he tries.
The two continue to stare.
'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.
'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.
The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'
'Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!'
A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, 'I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.'
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?' asks Paddy.
The Texan answers, 'Yes, 'and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, 'If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?'
Paddy Murphy replies, 'Oh................... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.'
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An Brian O'Malley, a sweet Irish man and his family move to Toronto Canada, and he is job seeking. He decides he wants to join the RCMP, he's always liked the bright furry red hats, and loves horses. Anyway, he goes down town the headquarters and asks them for an application.
They greet him with enthusiasm, and give Brian the standard testing application, thinking they could find a spot for him somewhere on the team. Brian does a quick once over to the questionnaire, and snaps his fingers. On his way out, he told the RC's, that he best finish this at home, leaving them confused, he hops happily away.
When he got home he went straight to work filling out the questions which read.
Ques: Have you ever been arrested?
Ans: No.
Ques: Have you committed any crimes?
Ans: No.
Ques: Check off Religion.
Ans: Proud Strong Catholic.
Ques: Are you sure?
Ans: As sure as me mudders name is Mary.
Ques: Ok then, who killed Jesus?
His wife interrupts him, and asked him how his first job hunting went with the RCMP, to which Brian whispers, lowering his head. "Shh, I can't discuss it. It's top secret you know, I'm on a murder case."
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'How far is it to the next village?' asked the American tourist. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed the farmer. 'But it's only five if you run!'
Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
To keep from falling in the stew!
Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
Sure, they're great at shorthand!
How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
He took a shortcut!
What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
Short ribs!
Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
Because they're very short-tempered!
"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"
How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A bachelor.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Don.
Don who?
Don be puffin' down the Irish now!
'I'd like some nails,' Mick requested of the ravelling tinker. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Mick.
'The baby is just like his father,' said Mary Quinn. 'But at least he's got his health!'
'I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!'
'You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!'
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MORE IRISH JOKES
An American tourist travelling in County Clare, Ireland came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Irish punts ($350), the skull of Brian Boru*.
Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself.
Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.
'I've got the very thing for you, 'said the shopkeeper, 'It's the genuine skull of Brian Boru.'
'You cheat, 'exploded the American, 'You sold me that fifteen years ago, 'and producing the skull added loudly, 'Look, they're not even the same size.'
'You have got it wrong, 'opined the seller, '' This is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad.'
* Brian Boru (940 to 1014) managed the rare feat of uniting Ireland. In a turning point in the war with the Vikings, Brian Boru defeated the Viking leader Ivar in single combat. Not only was Brian successful in battle, but he also had at least 4 wives and founded the O' Brien clan.
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IRISH JOKES - MISC IRISH JOKES
Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'
MORE IRISH JOKES
An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?'
Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?'
Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!'
The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma'am?'
Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?'
Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!'
Irene gives the policeman her driving license.
The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.'
For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?'
Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think €*5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'
MORE IRISH JOKES
Father O' Malley answers the phone.
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is'
'This is the Inland Revenue Service, income tax department. Can you help us?'
'I can.'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do'
'Is he a member of your congregation?' He is'
'Did he donate €*10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
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While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:
'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'
Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.
'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had
'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
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There now follows a list of inventions. They were the brainchildren of the Kerry man who was history's unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn't bad enough, look at other things he produced:
An inflatable dartboard
A chocolate kettle
A soluble life-raft
A self-righting aspirin
A solar-powered torch
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MORE IRISH JOKES
I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.
I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.
However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:
'What happened to you?' asked Callaghan.
'I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window,' mumbled O'Reilly.'
'Begorrah,' exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, 'It's a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'
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There was an Irish man standing on the dock, with the others waiting for the boat to come. A sweet Irish Lassie came and stood beside him and asked.
"What brings you to the port today?'
To which the man replied. "Oh, I'm waiting for me brudder. Me brudder is coming in today."
"How lovely." She replied.
"Yep," he continued. "I will not know me brudder." He continued sadly.
"And why not?" The lassie asked curiously. "Why would you not know yer own brudder?"
"Aye, me brudder left 20 year ago, and I will not know me brudder." He answered.
"Oh my, how will you know when yer brudder gets off the ship?"
"Ohh, I'll not be worrying about that dear Lassie, me brudder will know me."
"How can you be so sure yer brudder will know you, if you won't know yer brudder?" She asked confused.
"Because I never left." He said with a grin.
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An Irish man is sitting in a boat, and it's a small boat that sprung a leak, and it's sinking fast.
A boat of a little larger size comes along, and the captain shouts out. "Come on, hop over, yer boat's sinking."
The Irish man sat quietly, contemplating the matter. After a moment he looks over at the Captain and shakes his head. "No tanks, the Lord's gonna save me."
After trying his best the Captain gave up, and sadly left the poor Irish man to sit in his sinking boat.
After a while, another more larger boat than the last came along and the Captain shouted out. "Yer boats sinking, hurry up and climb aboard."
The Irish man folded his arms firmly. "No tanks, I'm waiting for the Lord, he's gonna save me."
"It'll be your funeral lass if you don't hop in my boat."
"So much yew know, I believe in the Lord, and I'm staying right here until the Lord himself saves me."
The stubborn Irish man turned down a steam liner, with sailors trying to thrown him a line, and eventually his boat sank and he drowned.
Now at the pearly white gates stood a hopping angry Irish man, and he looked the Lord straight in the eye and said.
"Lord, what did I ever do all me forsaken life, to deserve such a wreched death? I believed in ya, I waited for ye to save me.. but ya didn't?"
The Lord looked down at his loyal Irish man and frowned. "I sent you two boats, and an ocean steamer, what more did yew want?"
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At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig fires.
On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. 'Isn't that Red Adair'? The other replied, 'No'.
The old boy then said, 'I'm sure it is and I'm so sure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong'. The doubting one said, 'Ok' and they both went over to Red and the one said, 'Are you Red Adair'? to which Red said he was.
The doubting Irishman said, 'Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers'?
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MORE IRISH JOKES
Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.
Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Four.
Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!
IRISH JOKES - SHORT ONE LINER IRISH JOKES
An American lawyer inquired, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'
'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.
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An Irish lass, a customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'
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MORE IRISH JOKES
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
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'O'Halloran,' asked the pharmacist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran, 'but it keeps fallin' off.'
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