JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

Some are old, some are new, some really suck and others, well they are funny. OK, so it didn't rhyme. Orange


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan









What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.




Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.



What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts




Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.



What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.





What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs



What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes





What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.




What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.



Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.



What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.



Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA.



Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different pub.



Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"





What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment





What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".



How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?









A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..."

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...."

The Man Test

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent all your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet... Fag.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed.

And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat... 'Kitty Kitty Belle, come to daddy, snookums!' Yep, you're queer.





3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pig's feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. Pumpkin is not a color. If you think so, you are a fruit, just like the damned pumpkin. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.



8. If you do not send this off to your best male friends because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami smuggler.

Alien Meets Gas Pump - Take me to your Leader

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near agas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."




The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'







The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never fuck with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.



Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.'

'Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'





'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.'

Child Birth through the Eyes of a Child

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.



Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

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Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........spank his ass again!'

Men Never Listen

In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR..
Who would know if he touched them? ;
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.



When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,
it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.





Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

ARAB / TALIBAN DATING SERVICE

This screen shot of what a Taliban Dating service entry screen might look like gave me a chuckle, thanks Steve.

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