Slam the Spammer

I just want to thank all of you for your
> >> educational emails over the past year.
> >>
> >>
> >> Thanks to you, I no longer open a public
> >> bathroom door without using a paper towel.
> >>
> >>
> >> I can't use the remote in a hotel room
> >> because I don't know what the last person was doing
> >> while flipping through the channels.
> >>
> >>
> >> I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread
> >> because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it
> >> was last washed.
> >>
> >>
> >> I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or
> >> on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found
> >> to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
> >>
> >>
> >> I have trouble shaking hands with someone who
> >> has been driving because the number one pass-time while
> >> driving alone is picking your nose.
> >>
> >>
> >> Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt
> >> trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans
> >> fats I have consumed over the years.
> >>
> >>
> >> I can't touch any woman's purse for
> >> fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
> >>
> >>
> >> I must send my special thanks to whoever sent
> >> me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now
> >> have to use a wet sponge with every envelope! That needs
> >> sealing.
> >>
> >>
> >> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every
> >> can I open for the same reason.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer have any savings because I gave
> >> it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
> >> hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer have any money at all, but that
> >> will change once I receive the $15,000. that Bill
> >> Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
> >> their special e-mail program.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer worry about my soul because I
> >> have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and
> >> St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens
> >> are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
> >> feathers.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants
> >> even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
> >>
> >>
> >> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers
> >> only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my
> >> friends and make a wish within five minutes.
> >>
> >>
> >> Because of your concern I no longer drink
> >> Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
> >> someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't
> >> crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since
> >> the people who make these products are atheists who refuse
> >> to put 'Under God' on their cans.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
> >> because it causes cancer.
> >>
> >>
> >> And thanks for letting me know I can't
> >> boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it
> >> will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer check the coin return on pay
> >> phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected
> >> with AIDS.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer go to shopping malls because
> >> someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer receive packages from UPS or
> >> FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer shop at Target since they are
> >> French and don't support our American troops or the
> >> Salvation Army.
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer answer the phone because someone
> >> will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a
> >> phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and
> >> Uzbekistan .
> >>
> >>
> >> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
> >> Marcus since I now have their recipe.
> >>
> >> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's
> >> toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is
> >> lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
> >> bites my butt.
> >>
> >>
> >> And thanks to your great advice, I can't
> >> ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it
> >> probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my
> >> car to grab my leg.
> >>
> >>
> >> If you don't send this e-mail to at least
> >> 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
> >> diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon
> >> and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
> >> you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
> >> actually happened to a friend of my next door
> >> neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
> >> cousin's beautician...
> >>
> >>
> >> Have a wonderful day...
> >>
> >>
> >> Oh, by the way...
> >>
> >>
> >> A German scientist from Argentina , after a
> >> lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient
> >> brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the
> >> mouse.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Sorry...I just had to send you this one it is
> >> too good to miss!!

The centipede

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which
came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and

decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?

But there was no answer from his new Pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his
face up against the centipede's house and shouting,

'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?




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A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!

The Pope and the Rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews in Italy had to convert to Catholicism or leave. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a debate with a religious leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

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'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

'Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'